Area Man Just Wants to Work On Golf Game

No, not me. I couldn’t care less about golf. But I love The Onion (Warning: The Onion sometimes mixes in strong language). These Onion-esque headlines run through my head all the time.

This morning, I walked to the store and some young lady in a white SUV came barreling toward the crosswalk when I stepped into it. She stopped with plenty of space, but I couldn’t help but flash a spontaneous headline through my head, “Suburban SUV driver intentionally stops late near crosswalks just to keep pedestrians on their toes.” It is a guilty pleasure.

I think what I love most about The Onion is that it strikes so closely to the essence of human behavior while carrying a wry smile. Not malicious, but certainly not innocent. The original, ah hem… “real?” fake news, articles on The Onion are very short. They remind me of creative prompts in writing class. They prompt just enough interest in a topic and then wrap up without really going anywhere in particular. I suppose we could say it is small talk for introverts.

If you happen to run across me in public and I look as if I’m sharing an inside joke, I probably am. It is just me writing Onion-like headlines in my head as I observe the world around me. And so I’m off. Boldly going, occasionally delusional.

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